like a fat kid and cake...

October 26: Our wedding day.
Enough said!

Mrs. Shan

i do!

We're getting married today. In 8.5 hours to be exact. And I am surprisingly calm. Maybe it's because we're having such a small get together and there aren't any last minute arrangements to be made? Or maybe it's because I love Shan so much that this just feels like the most perfect thing we've ever done? I think it's the latter.

Sorry for not posting more about our arrangements for the wedding! We literally pulled it together in less than a week, and since there isn't much to it, we wanted to keep it a bit of a surprise. We've actually put together 1/3 of our wedding video already and will insert a bunch of pictures from today and post it as soon as we can.

It's raining in Vancouver today. It was supposed to be clear but it's raining and isn't supposed to clear up until tonight. But that's ok, we bought umbrellas and wouldn't let a little thing like rain stop us from having fun. Our plan for the day is breakfast here at home with Shan and Noah, then we'll get ready and our photographer will be here at midday. We're going to do a bunch of photos in our 'hood, then we'll go into the city and take some more before meeting everyone at the chinese gardens at 3pm. Our nuptials need to be all over by 4pm as the gardens close then and we can head over to the mexican restaurant for dinner and sangria.

I'm really excited to be married, and I'm not even one of those people who always wanted to be married. I never imagined I'd have a white wedding, and always thought that if I found 'the one', I wouldn't care if we got married or not. I just always wanted to be in love. I used to dream about what it would feel like to really fall in love and I'd wonder if I would ever find the person who I knew I wanted to be with forever and they would feel the same. With Shan, for the first time in my whole life, I know what it is to be loved unconditionally. To have someone know everything about me and still love me. I found the person who I know will always stand beside me, support me, encourage me, defend me, humour me, and love me and I don't know if she'll ever realise how much that really means to me. And now, having found that, I want to marry Shan so we can always know we're stuck together ("like magnets," shan said. "Like liquid nails," I countered). and I'm going to love her 'til my heart, or the world, explodes.

the soundtrack to my life

Shan and I met while volunteering for Brisbane Pride Fair Day last year. It was late in the afternoon and we were wristbanding people as they came through the front gates. We got to talking about traveling and tattoos and as the day came to a close we made plans to catch up later that evening at the after-party. That night, at the Wickham, we were having a good time drinking and getting to know each other when I asked Shan if she wanted a tequila shot, saying we could try the new tequila shot - the 'Lick. Sip. Suck. Pash!' and she agreed (about 2 months later I found out Shan hates tequila and only did it to kiss me - awww!). We spent all night together, then the whole next weekend and from that point on I was addicted.

About two weeks after we started dating, I was staying at Shan's and woke in the middle of the night stressing about work and unable to sleep. I must have tossed enough to wake Shan and she sat up and asked me if I was alright. I apologised for waking her and she told me not to worry about it. Instead of being annoyed and falling straight back to sleep, she started talking to me. Not about work, but about what we'd be doing that weekend. I couldn't help but think about how sweet and wonderful she was and after a few minutes my stress had subsided and I was able to relax enough to go back to sleep. In that moment, right before I fell asleep, I was overwhelmed with one thought - she's the one for me. It was the most definite, clear thought I'd ever had in my life and I fell asleep wrapped around her admitting to myself that I was already in love.

When we'd been dating for about 6 weeks, we were out at a club with our friends and I confided in our friend Cassie that I was in love with Shan, but was hesitant to tell her as we hadn't been together long and I thought if I told her now she might think me an 'obsessed lesbian', freak out and run away. Cassie assured me that Shan was as into me I was into her (you'd think we were 12!). Still, I'd decided I'd wait a little longer, even just a few more weeks, and tell her once we knew each other better. That resolve lasted all of 24 hours until the next night when we were laying in bed and not able to keep it in any longer I told Shan I loved her. It was true, why not tell her?

From that point on Shan practically moved into my place, with occasional visits to her place to pick up clothes and art supplies. We continued like this for about a month until my lease was due to expire and we make the bold decision to move in together. We hunted around town before finding the perfect apartment for us, which was conveniently located just 3 doors down the corridor in the same building I was already living in.

The easiest move in history took place and a few days before our three-month anniversary, Shan and I were living together. I had to fly to Sydney that weekend for my gran's 80th birthday and when I came back, Shan had turned our house into a home, the most perfect home I'd ever lived in. This is one of the things I love most about her, the way she can turn anything bland into something homely and warm.

Around our 9 month anniversary, Shan and I were talking to her family about getting married in Canada and making tentative plans for them to be there for it, which meant we were talking dates. As much as I wanted to marry Shan, I kinda wanted it to all happen the right way, with an engagement first. So I began thinking about it, about the ring I would buy and the way I would ask her. As we walked through malls I'd point out diamond rings at the jewellers and Shan would screw her nose up, saying they're definitely not the kind of thing she would ever wear! So I searched the internet for the perfect ring. I looked at antiques, monitored auction sites and looked into having something made. But none of them were right and I was starting to worry I would have to have to compromise. I knew Shan would like anything I bought, but I wanted to her to LOVE it.

Then, I found it. I was searching Etsy for inspiration and came across the perfect ring - small, simple and a fantastic word play. I ordered it and after it arrived I kept it at work, pulling it out every few days and imagining what it would look like on Shan's hand. I thought the ring might be too small so at every occasion I would try to line up my fingers with Shan's to measure them without her knowing. But I couldn't do it properly without letting on what I was doing so I figured I would just have to try my luck with it and get it resized later if it didn't fit.

As our one year anniversary approached I decided this was when I wanted to do it - to propose to the girl I loved more than gummy bears. I was confident she'd say yes, but still I wanted it to be perfect. About a month before our anniversary Shan told me how one day she'd like to write story books for our kids, books about kids with two mums. Bingo! - I would write a story book about us and how we got together and one day our kids could read it and know how much we loved each other right from the beginning.

On the morning of our anniversary we were laying in bed, looking out at the ocean and Shan asked me if I was ready for my gift. Of course I was! I love presents! I unwrapped it to find a book, an old novel. I opened it up and found on each page Shan had glued pictures, receipts, emails, quotes, letters and songs collected throughout our relationship. The book was divided into months and Shan told me she began it right after we started dating. It was the most perfect gift I'd ever received. So much thought and love had gone into it and I took in each page, smiling at all the things we'd done together.

Now it was my turn. Suddenly I was nervous. I'd thought about proposing for so long and now the moment had finally arrive I was worried she wouldn't like the gift, wouldn't like the ring, wouldn't say yes..

I brought the book to Shan and she smiled, noted we'd both given the other a book, and began reading. She kept smiling and as she turned to the third last page, where it said - "Zanne had a question to ask Shan, the most important questions she would ever ask her. But she was worried she wouldn't have the words when she needed them most so she wrote her a book", Shan jerked her head towards me with the most priceless "What the heck?!" look on her face. I told her to keep reading. On the next page, Zanne proposed to Shan, asking her to marry her. I pulled the ring out of my pocket and said it out loud - "Shan, will you marry me?" She said yes, and kissed me, and kissed me, and kissed me some more. It was the best moment of my life so far! I didn't realise that being engaged would feel any different, but at that moment I loved Shan more and felt more connected to her than I had just a few moments before.

The ring was too small, so Shan just put it on her pinky and we spent the most awesome day together eating breakfast, walking by the beach and calling each other 'fiance'. Hehe fiance. It still makes me giggle like a school girl.

All of Shan's family and our friends are absolutely stoked for us, my sisters Liz, Sally and Wendy are excited and my folks are 'happy I am happy'. I am happy - ecstatic, elated, thrilled, excited, rapturous and euphoric!

We're planning an intimate autumn wedding in Vancouver next year. There will be tea lights, piles of books and placemats made out of sheet music. The rest will be secret.

I can't wait to be married to Shan, to be able to say things like "my wife can't cook, but she can paint up a storm" or "let me just ask my wife if I can get drunk with you Michael". But for now I am loving being engaged, and being in love for real reals.

Hurtling towards 30

Hurtling -- To move with or as if with great speed and a rushing noise. I hear that noise. It's the sound of my life slowing down and speeding up all at the same time. You have more and more moments of realisation that the small, secret dreams you had as a kid actually aren't going to come true. I realised at 21 that I actually wasn't going to be a moviestar. I realised at about 23 that i actually wasn't going to be a rock star. Although I never actively pursued either of those dreams with any kind of vigour it was still a disappointing moment when I realised that I'd left it too late.

However at the same time as losing those secret dreams I've gained so many new hopes and dreams that actually have a really good chance of coming true. I've met the girl of my dreams, the person who knows just the right things to say and just the right words to use to make me feel like heaven on the inside. I've got a girl who sees the world like I do, who sees a future like I do, and who also wants to name our first son after our favourite character in our favourite book. She wants to travel with me, make music with me, wear hats with me and eat nachos with me and that, to me, is what real dreams are made of. I've never felt more happy, content, excited and passionate in all my life and I don't think being a moviestar or rockstar or any other kind of star could make this dream I'm living in any better.